I realized that I’ve located all of my power inside of you, I said to him.
With a smile, he said with his hand cupped open as though he was just holding my power in his hands, Yup. It’s all here. The thing is, I don’t want it.
I just stared at him with amazement.
Giving me your power sucks because I won’t do anything with it. Some people will use the power you give them to help you or manipulate you. I’ll just stare at it… look at it, it’s so cute.
He was right, I felt like I was suffocating. In fact for a whole week my whole body was so congested I had mucus coming out of my mouth and nose. It felt like my heart was collapsing.
From this point I can either abandon you or terrorize you… and I don’t really want to do either, He said to me.
I don’t want that either. And on my end I recognize that I could either say fuck this it’s not working and I’m not happy or I could stay and actually see what it feels like to be in relationship with a man when I dont’ give away all of my power.
You see, I came to a very hard truth and realization: that I actually have no idea how to be in my power and be in relationship with anyone. In EVERY relationship I’ve had. All of them, with men or women, I have been in either of these three scenarios:
1) They pedestal me and I get to keep all my power ( hence, why I’m so comfortable in my leadership roles)
2) I pedestal them and I give them all my power ( why I’m not always the best in relationship and I often shrink or become a mopey selfish teenager when in community)
3) I isolate myself because the only way I know how to breath is when I’m alone and don’t have to worry about other people (and I get to feel all my power but I’m left with no real meaningful connections)
I’ve actually never had a relationship with a man where this dynamic of me giving all my power away hasn’t happened. With my last long term relationship, I had given my power away for so long it took me a year to figure it out. I moved out of the house we were living in together and that gave me the space to start focusing on myself and my business even more. In the next 6 months, my business and my income BLEW UP. Meanwhile our relationship got better for a while but eventually crumbled when it became clear that our paths were just moving in different directions and he started to eventually feel stifled by my bigness.
I ended up on some level blaming my business and my ‘drivenness’ for my inability to keep that relationship together. I felt on some level that I couldn’t have both and the other honest truth is that I had burnt myself out so much doing everything myself that I had nothing left to really give. Right when I ended that relationship I was at the cusp of diving into delegation and team growth in my business, but the devastation and confusion I felt completely crumbled me and I didn’t have the power or support to push through it to the other side.
In the last month, I’ve realized in a visceral way that I perpetually create my father in every relationship that I have with men and I end up feeling scared to communicate, afraid that he can’t handle my emotions, and therefore I don’t speak up and I just let my whole world fall apart. All because I just want attention and love and I’ve never really been able to look at the deep wounds that I hold in my body that keep me in this cycle because frankly, I was ashamed of myself.
I know that you’re probably thinking “what? Lauren? no. I thought that she was always in her power and had it all together”
I thank you for your projections of perfection and all, but I ask you humbly to let them go and take me off any pedestal that you have me on. I am no better or worse than you and I don’t know any more than you know about yourself or the world.
Once I realized that I had all my power inside another person, it became a blessing, because before I had my power scattered amongst many people. So in a way, to be able to attach all my power to just one person made it simple to take it back.
The thing that totally gets me is how much I don’t see when I’m in it. I was making him responsible for just about everything while being aware of it and internalizing it. It’s basically like being awake in hell because you can see yourself doing the pattern you just can’t seem to get out of it. My ticket to freedom ended up being the courage to speak up about my feelings.
So how did I go about getting my power back?
The truth is, it never went anywhere and owning it is going to take some time.
And with that, plus willingness to stay present to a difficult conversation, plus letting go of all outcomes and his reaction, I felt my heart become lighter.
My question still remains, how do we be in relationship with others where we are equals? Where no one is above or below the other? This is the next phase of my journey and I am excited about it.
In the end, this is a new chapter for the both of us because we both get to choose to stay and see what it’s like to be in relationship where the woman keeps all her own power. I got the gift of getting to take my own power back instead of having it forced upon with with abandonment or being constantly poked until all the juice gets sucked out of the relationship and I just conclude that he was a jackass and leave.
Enter the world of choosing to stay. Enter the world of interpersonal relationship freedom (FINALLY!!!). And I’ll leave you with this:
When you put all your happiness outside of you, the universe will surely show you how you will lose it so that you can find out where it really lies again.