I feel like some big part of my heart just got put back together, I told him.
You mean the part of your heart that wanted to run away? he asked.
Yes, I said with a laugh.
And in that moment, I got it. Like, I GOT it: In my body, in my bones, in my heart got it.
I had woken up that morning with a tightness in my chest that was all too familiar.
I needed to reconnect with myself, I needed space, I was sinking in with this man and I was afraid I would lose myself, lose my flow, sway from my own path and get swept up in his vortex of amazingness and forever lose my own sense of self, passion, purpose, and desire.
So I decided I needed to connect to myself, by myself. I would go for a run, go outside, connect with nature, and meditate. I woke up and told him I would be back in an hour and started climbing down the ladder of our loft bed.
As I stepped down the first step he stopped time and said:
And when he had my attention he looked right into my eyes and my soul and then said
His words traveled into my being, into my heart and opened me like a flower. I was frozen for a moment as I allowed his words to enter my body and travel downward from my heart and into my womb. As I sat and fully received what he was transmitting to me, staying connected to his eyes, I organically and without thinking watched myself step back up the ladder and back into the bed to sit with him.
I sat with him in silence for a few minutes and breathed. So many things were going through my head. Can I tell him what is on my heart? What if I tell him and he goes away?
I wonder if he knows what I’m thinking. Clearly, he knows. I know him. He’s one of the most intuitive people I know, he can probably see right through me. If he already knows what I’m thinking why doesn’t he just say something? If I wait long enough at some point he’ll just come out and say to me “you’re feeling afraid to lose yourself aren’t you?” or “tell me what’s going on in your mind, love”.
That’s when I realized. He’s not ever going to do that. Not in this moment at least. He will sit and wait forever for me to either say something or not. And should I choose to be silent and head out for my run, he would just keep holding me in loving silence until I was ready to open up and share.
It was a revelation. He was giving me space to come forward of my own free will without any added projection or inquiry on his part.
I’m afraid of losing myself in you, in your flow, I said.
A surprised and delighted smile came to his face as if a gift had just been presented to him.
You can never lose yourself in my flow, love. Not with me. You can only be found. This is OUR flow, he said.
And in that moment I felt the upper right quadrant of my heart space mend itself back together. It felt like puzzle pieces getting sucked into place. All of the sudden, that tightness and frazzled feeling in my heart dissolved and an effervescent fullness replaced it.
This is what wholeness feels like, I thought. Wow, whatever just happened was one of the most profound moments of my life. Something really big just got healed and dissolved.
This, my dears, is what happens when you step forward into your own unfoldment instead of asking the world to unfold you. When you choose to come forward in your own truth, you reclaim so much of yourself.
Well, Have fun on your run! He said with a playful smile.
I just laughed because I had no desire to go running anymore and my hunger was palpable, so we went to breakfast together instead.
It’s a funny thing our desire to run away literally can translate into physically going on a run. Would a run have gotten me clear and connected, maybe, but I still wouldn’t have addressed that part of me that was afraid to express myself, and somewhere down the line, something similar would have manifested until I got the lesson.
The degree to which your heart is open is the degree to which a man can come into your heart and fill it with his love and presence. And so it is the same with the world around you.
So, dear women, I invite you this week to step into the unfoldment of your own heart with your own choice to do so and to notice where in your life you are waiting for someone or something else to do it for you. I would love to hear about what you notice and what shifts.