A text from him is all it takes for my heart to melt.
Even after a year of being apart. No matter how far I am from him or who else I’m with, my heart still bursts open in his presence, even via text message.
It’s a love so deep it makes me cry. My longing turns on fire when I think of him.
For a while after we broke up, I couldn’t even see him without bursting into tears. Today I texted him to set up a lunch date before I fly away from Austin on my Dance Medicine World Journey, and when I thought of seeing him for lunch in a few days, I started crying.
A FREAKING YEAR later and I still cry. They are not tears of sadness really. They are tears of heart opening joy and love. They are the tears of my desire. The remembering my heart has of what it feels like to be in so much viscous juicy love with another being. The remembering of what it feels like to be in communion with a good man, who worshiped me and I him. The tears are the cry of my soul in reminding me what I truly desire in life.
The cultural delusion we create that says when you break up with someone all of the sudden you no longer love them, you’re not allowed to have feelings for them, you’ll have to just get over it, move on and be done with it, is at this point in my life such bullshit to me.
Moving on has nothing to do with ignoring and denying the connection and love that you have for a person. And just because your relationship dynamic transitions from a committed partnership to something else does not erase the way your heart opened when you were with him. And you know that your heart remembers that feeling. If you’ve been feeling closed off and guarded lately, your heart REALLY remembers because your heart is longing for that feeling again.
Life is always calling you to love more. And so, you’re heart, my dear woman is seeking to feel that love.
The degree to which your heart opened with any man (or woman if that’s your style), is the imprint that is left within you and it’s likely the most open you’ve ever felt because it’s not common that we learn to open that wide with just ourselves. David Deida refers to this as the ‘him shaped hole’ in your heart that can only be mended by another man who can match that and then some.
The truth is. This man that I spent two years of my life with, that I dreamt and visioned and created my entire future with including babies, a beach house in Mexico and sitting on porches in rocking chairs with grey hair holding hands, this man, I will never stop loving. All those futures that I created in my mind with him, that was a LOT to let go of. So much of myself was embedded in those constructs so when I was faced with letting those go, which didn’t occur till 6 months after the break up, I was faced with letting go of not just him but the self that I identified myself so much with in that future reality. It was in his love and our future together that I had invested my self worth and ultimately my heart’s ability to be open in love with all that is.
So you can imagine it was painful. At the time I didn’t see this fully, but a part of why it was so hard to let all that go was because on some level I felt I had to let go of the love in my heart. And on some level I did. I had to face the bleak darkness of the illusion of my closed and wounded heart for a while as I learned how to bring the love and joy I placed in my relationship with him back to myself until I could remember how to source that love from my own inner being again.
And in my journey back home to myself, this is what I learned without a doubt: Love is love and love is never lost. Love for another is love for ourselves. Withholding love for another is withholding love from ourselves.
The reason it took me 6 months to even begin to let go of my future with this man is because I was so afraid to face that empty feeling. And so I withheld my love and my lifeforce in the name of saving myself pain. In doing so I began to wither away. My soul started to die and I fell into a deep depression.
So when I realized there was no other way out but through I began the process of allowing the fullness of my love and desire for this man to come out and be expressed even when I was clear that it was right that we were not together.
Just because your relationship ends with someone doesn’t mean you stop loving them. It didn’t stop for me, in fact after we were apart my love and appreciation for him grew bigger! Each time I explored some facet of our story together, a lesson I learned, something I didn’t see, I loved him even more and appreciated him even more. That was a gift, because my opening to more appreciation for him and for all men allowed another amazing man to enter into my life very soon after I began allowing all my love to flow.
This is why I believe that we stomp down our heart, because we get confused and we make the love that we feel mean something other than what it is. Love. It doesn’t mean that that person is supposed to be our husband. It doesn’t mean that we made a mistake and we need to be with that person because we’ll never find another good man like that. It doesn’t mean that we’re soul mates or even twin flames. It just means that we feel connection and love. Love IS. It’s all there is really.
Then we do this cute little thing where we refuse to feel any of our desire because we can’t take the pain of our mind chatter and self judgements. But the truth is, your love for that person, whoever they are is BEAUTIFUL and deserves to be fully flowed through you and expressed.
For me, I take so much pleasure in feeling my love for that man to this day. And no matter how much time goes by or who I’m with now and who he’s with now, none of that really changes the connection that we have always had and will continue to have for eternity.
Time, space, and other relationships don’t stop the fact that when I think of the way that he looked at me and brushed the hair off my face, or the way he held me close and tight every night as we slept, or the way his rock solid body made my whole vertical core light up like an electric pulse, my heart melts and I am deep in desire.
It doesn’t change the fact that even though it’s been over a year since we’ve made love, if he came over and asked me to move to Mexico and build a house where we could make beautiful babies and live in blissful love forever, even though I’m clear on what my soul path is and it’s not with him, I am so connected to him still that so much of me wants to say yes to that life.
He’ll always be my man in some way. And I’m sure it’s the same for him. And that’s the beauty of life.
It’s beautiful that we can both recognize the love we have for each other and also recognize that in truth, in real love, we are not meant for each other now and probably not ever again. We have different values, different life desires and ideas. We served each other in the perfect way when we were together and now we are serving each other in another way; by allowing ourselves to be completely honest and allowing of the connection that we will always have.
The new paradigm of post relationship connection is rooted in love and vulnerable communication.
I was blessed to have a man that was able and willing to hear everything I wanted and needed to share with him no matter how long it had been after our partnership ended. In that relationship, I can say that I feel truly complete. I said what I wanted to say and expressed what I wanted to express to him and to all the parts of myself ( which by the way took many many days of screaming, crying, tonglen meditation and tantrums in the bathtub, in the woods, and basically anywhere that I would allow myself to be a loud crazy mess) .
And I am blessed to be able to meet him for lunch before I leave Austin at the restaurant where we had our first date and relish the feelings that always come to me when I am with him and then continue on my journey.
In relationship, we each have gifts for each other. Remember that. Ask yourself what the gift is that the current person you are in relationship with has for you and what gift you are to them.
And remember that love can never, ever be lost. You are only hurting yourself when you ignore how you feel. The love you feel is beautiful. Allow it. Allow it all to flow and see what opens up in your world.
Have you been through a break up recently? I’d love to hear your experience of ‘love not lost’ and how you’ve kept a sweet connection with a former lover or how this post has inspired you to shift your view of how your relationships can end in another way.
Leave us a comment, send me and email or post on facebook!
Thank you for being you!
Until next time.