It’s OK to not know what you want

It’s OK to not know what you want

This is the single biggest question that has pulled me off my center that I’ve ever come across.

What do you WANT? What do you DESIRE.

Answering this question is like a house of cards. On the one hand we are told that we have to know what we want exactly in order for it to come into manifest reality. On the other, what happens if what you ask for isn’t really what you want and when you get there you’re not any happier?

So we get stuck in this place asking for things constantly, exhausting ourselves trying to be the creator of our realities and not actually enjoying the simple moments of our everyday lives.

Up until about a year ago, I was on this goose chase always asking for more, always clarifying my desires, and always ending up being a failure if I didn’t have it happen, or feeling strangely unfulfilled if it did happen because once it did it was on to the next thing already.

I didn’t really know what I wanted, but I felt afraid to not know because well, then what would happen to my life? How could I be sure that I would have the life I wanted? Every other powerful woman I know knows what they clearly. If I can’t know this, why would anyone even want to be around me? How will I make money and feel safe? How will I be of value to anyone?

The truth was I couldn’t know what would happen in my life. I had no way of knowing what would show up if I just stopped trying so hard to want things, manifest things, and create every fucking thing. And that was scary because I didn’t trust myself or the universe at all. I was stuck in a loop of feeling all alone and I had to do it all myself.

This whole “knowing what you want thing” is where I think a lot of self help land get’s people tangled. WHY?

If you havn’t really connected to who you are yet, if you are still emotionally ungrounded and letting yourself be tugged in all kinds of directions, then it’s really difficult to know what you really want.

It is important to be clear about what you want, yes, but if you are still running on programs, trying to escape your parents and your emotional wounds, and basically running around in circles avoiding your own shadow, then what you want is probably not even the question you should be asking. What you want is just based on what you’re avoiding and not willing to face, which serves no one.

Plus, constantly asking for petty things takes all the fun and surprise out of life and it makes it hard to have room for something better than what you can think up OR to learn to accept the experiences that are put in front of you.

“What do you want?” is also an easy question to get you to mistrust yourself even more. It’s a question that other people can use to be dominant over you, to be the one who can pull all the insides out of you and scramble you up, thinking that maybe you’re not doing life right and triggering some of your own inner fears.

This is a good thing if you spot it, because it will show you where you’re willing to be pulled off your own center. I had to learn to feel my own discomfort, my own impulses,  and face my fears without taking action,  so that I could take their power over me away.   It took me months of stillness and presence.

Coaches and seminar leaders can nail you to a wall with this question “What do you want?” and you can easily find yourself coming up with an answer just to get out of the discomfort of not knowing what you want, just to not feel like the only not clear and confident person in the room.

So if “what do I want?” isn’t the question to be asking? Then what is?

Honestly, for me, I just stopped asking questions and started being present to my life. I started looking at what was right in front of me and stopped trying to create and make money.

My solution became to hold an intention, a single intention that was big enough to encompass what I wanted for my life and the whole world. To see myself and the planet and everyone on it fully actualized. I learned this from Paul Cooper while driving from Austin to California when we first met. It was one of our first conversations and it was this idea that really helped me understand who he was as a person.

For me, this was simple. All I had to do was focus on this one intention and then let go, enjoy the ride and trust. It took a lot of unlearning, but now that I see how my life is unfolding itself into so much ease, it was all so worth it.

You don’t have to open yourself up to others all of the time

One of the greatest lessons in self wholeness I’ve ever had was being able to answer someone’s question of “what do you want” with a simple yet powerful “I don’t know yet” and just own it, no explanation, no validation, nothing else.

It taught me that I don’t have to always open myself up just to feel authentic and connect with people. That there are some things I want to keep sacred, to myself.

So the next time someone asks you “what do you want”, remember that no answer is sometimes a really great answer, and a simple “I don’t know” is just as acceptable. You don’t have to come up with some grande master plan or big desires to share just to feel apart of anyones community or to feel accepted as a human being.

Desire is a Beautiful thing. Learn to hold it with reverence instead of chase it.

There is nothing wrong with desire, but desire doesn’t have to be something that sends us flailing about our lives trying to fill the holes in our hearts. It doesn’t have to be something that sends us charging through life creating chaos and exhaustion.

Desire is beautiful. Hold it. Feel it. Imagine it. And then trust that the universe will show you the way. Trust that all you have to do is be present to what’s in front of you and you will be led to exactly what you want, sometimes something you didn’t even KNOW you wanted.

Because what you WANT is good, but what you didn’t even know you wanted, is always a lot better.

What do I want? What do I desire? These questions are about timing and about patience. They can be angels or devils depending on how you respond, react and use them.

My call out to you in this post is simple: 

Let the universe surprise you, and don’t let anyone else make you feel unclear because you don’t know exactly what you want yet.

It’s ok to not know.  In fact, I think when you don’t know, life just seems to turn out so much more fun and vibrant.


About The ‘Dirty Secrets of Self Help Land’ Series

After building a business in my community and online, teaching and facillitating women’s groups for 4.5 years, helping women entrepreneurs market and grow their own businesses, doing a network marketing business, traveling to seminars and workshops, getting flown all over the world teaching and training, and seeing behind the scenes of what it takes to build and grow 6 and 7 figure businesses in the personal growth industry… I thought I had my life pretty much figured out.

After I burnt myself out as a solo-preneur, broke up with the man I thought I would marry, and entered a psuedo sex cult, my life and my soul collapsed. And I went on a deep inner journey to untangle myself.

This is what I see. This is what I have to say. I’m gonna be real, raw and honest. You may like some of what I say and you may hate it. Thats a good thing.

This is my story.

Welcome to The dirty secrets of self help land.

2 Comments

  1. Great post Lauren. Yes I have desires but I’m learning to focus on who I am being. As I focus on being love, peace, joy & celebration whatever would create love, joy, peace & celebration show up in my life.

    When I choose to BE who I’m meant to BE I’ll know what I need to do to manifest my desires. BE – DO – HAVE baby!

    Blessings,

    Andrea Scott

    Reply
  2. OMG Lauren! This is exactly what I needed to read today. I’ve been struggling with this concept for months now. Beating myself up because everyone else seems to know exactly what they want and I’m still looking, waiting, wondering…….what is wrong with me? You have confirmed what my heart has been trying to tell me. Be here now. Follow the bread crumbs. Be patient. Trust. Act. Follow. Reassess. Move again. Be here now……

    Much love and many thanks to you again for inspiring me,
    Cindy

    Reply

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