I made HER the most important thing to me…

I made HER the most important thing to me…

I made her the most important thing to me.

At first I wasn’t really listening. I was making her wrong. I was making her an obstacle in my way. Her fears and her emotions always got in my way of pushing forward, making money,and creating what I wanted.

At first I thought she was wrecking my life: sabotaging my success and something I needed to get rid of. She was angry, sad, exhausted, burnt out and resentful. She was not happy. And she was making herself known in my life. Everything was ‘falling apart’. Nothing that used to ‘work’ worked anymore. I was a volatile, emotional mess. I didn’t really know what she wanted, I just knew that I was dying inside, getting sick all the time, and I was finally ready to listen.

So I made her the most important thing to me. More important than everything: every task, every creation, every relationship…she was it for me. She became more important than making money. More important that having other people like me. More important than moving forward in my business. More important that manifesting the man of my dreams. She was it and that was that. Her and my relationship to her were now the only thing I was committed to. I always knew she was around when my body started to feel uncomfortable. My normal pattern was to abandon myself, to abandon her. Staying present with myself was a fight. Listening to what my thoughts were saying and what she was saying was terrifying for me. Staying inside my body while my thoughts were attacking me and my heart was contracting was not the easiest thing to practice. I committed to it for however long it would take, and maybe it would never end. But I did it, for her, for me.

I made her the most important thing to me.

When she told me she was tired and wanted to rest. I listened. I dropped everything so that I could learn how to rest. Yes LEARN to rest. I had no idea. It took me two months to attempt at resting, and once I finally was able to sink in, I think I slept for three months straight. Whenever discomfort or emotions came up, I would sit and breath with her. I practiced STAYING with myself, inside my body. I sat with her and those sensations for minutes, hours sometimes. Everyday I sat with her, breathed with her, listened to her, soothed her, talked to her, comforted her. I would visualize myself as the great mother sitting across from myself holding the hands of this little child, smiling and beaming love, telling her everything is ok, I am here, I am here for you and I will always be here for you. You are the most important thing to me. I will drop everything for you. And I meant it. But it took her a while to believe me.

I made her the most important thing to me.

If I was in the middle of ‘doing’ something, and I heard her say “I’m hungry,” I actually stopped what I was doing to go get her food. If she said, I’m thirsty, I dropped everything, I stopped the car, I showed up late to the event, so that I could get her some water. If she said, I need to pee, I didn’t wait until I was finished typing up this last email, I dropped everything immediately and went to the bathroom. If she felt sad and wanted to cry I let her have the biggest cry fest on the planet. If she was angry I screamed and pounded on things with her, I raged with her. If she was scared, I asked her to tell me about it and I just listened without an agenda to try to fix her.

I made her the most important thing to me.

When she said I want to go to the park and swing on a swing. I listened. I dropped everything so that I could head to the park and swing. If she wanted to hug a tree, I stopped what I was doing to go hug a blessed tree. If she wanted to express something to someone, even if it felt crazy or ridiculous to me, I let her, and I stopped trying to control her and other people’s reactions. When she saw the pooh bear I had sitting in my car trunk for the last three years since I moved to austin, a bear I’ve had since I was 12 that I would take on airplanes with me to calm my nerves, she asked to have him around more. So I took Mr. Pooh bear out of my trunk and placed him on my bed. And every night she gets to sleep soundly hugging a soft stuffed bear.

I made her the most important thing to me.

After a few months, she started to open up more. She started trusting me more; trusting that I would actually listen to her and give her what she wanted. When I asked her how she wanted her life to look she told me “I just want to play all the time, dance all the time, and be outside in nature. I want to have adventures and go exploring.” So I listened. I dropped everything I was doing. I let go of how I thought my life and business should look. I let go of what was limiting my mind and my perspectives. I got help from mentors and friends. I gave myself permission to create an entirely different reality based on what she was asking for. I gave myself permission to believe that it was possible and that I could be supported in all the ways I wanted doing it.

I made her the most important thing to me.

When she said “I want to be on a dance company again and I want to choreograph dances.” I listened. I dropped everything I was doing (the $2500 coaching program that I was creating so that I could support my travel plans, which was at the time my only source of income in the foreseeable future) so that I could research dance programs, college programs, workshops etc. I started adding more dance classes into my llfe: hip hop, ballet, modern. I started watching dance videos on you tube and dancing all over my house. When she said I want to go to New York and dance at this festival, I listened. At first I was a lil afraid. Like is this really gonna work? How will my life keep working? Plus this is gonna cost like thousands of dollars I don’t have right now. But my heart was pulling me. And so far, she hadn’t steered me wrong. I dropped everything I was doing, including the trip I had planned to go to Colorado for my mom’s birthday in July so that I could go. I asked everyone I knew for support in getting there because at the time I didn’t have the cash stored away for the trip. I went to New York for three weeks, I raised $6000 by ASKING for help on a gofundme site, created my own dance festival and had a life changing time.

I made her the most important thing to me.

When she said “I want my WHOLE LIFE to be filled with dancing, play and fun.” I listened. And at first I thought, ok… Yes, I want that too, but I’m not sure that’s possible. How will we survive? How will we make money? And she told me “Who cares how we’ll make money, we will be happy. The money will come from somewhere, it always does.” So I listened and I dropped everything I was doing that wasn’t serving that desire. Now my life is literally FILLED with dancing, endless amounts of pure creative inspiration, the miracle zone is becoming my normal place of living, magical synchronicity happens on the regular, I don’t feel like I have to control so much shit anymore and I spontaneously appreciate and enjoy my life more and more and more and more. I trust myself like I never have before. I feel WHOLE. I feel full. I feel capable of living my life FEELING the way I want to feel pretty much all the time. On the horizon more dancing keeps coming into my world. Ways to create dances, to collaborate, to dance with other people, to travel and dance at the same time. The people in my life keep getting more awesome, new ones and old ones. The men that are showing in my life are aware, loving, present, god-like multidimensional beings who can play on my level and gift me with their gifts as I gift them with mine. More and more is unfolding in ways my logical mind could never had mapped out or planned out had I stayed on the same track I was on. The more dancing I do, the more clients and opportunities keep popping up out of  “nowhere”. And I ALWAYS, ALWAYS have all the money, food, shelter, and love that I require. What I discovered is the answer to this question. What would happen if I just listened to everything my inner 6 year old wanted and did that?

If my life was being run by my 6 year old what would happen?

Turns out the fear voice I had inside was an entirely other entity, that wound up, neurotic “adult” like, gotta keep going, never enough, always striving for more, afraid of losing everything voice. That voice SUCKS and I was letting it run my life for a really really long time. lauren bangsTurns out my inner 6 year old, the one who wanted to BE Judy Garland when she grew up. The one who loves adventure and play, is loud, crazy, fearless, energetic, and smart as hell…. Yeah, turns out she is the wisest woman I know. I made her the most important thing to me. And it has been the best decision I have ever made. ———————————————————————————————————————- PS… CHECK OUT THE BANGS that I cut myself that my mom somehow didn’t notice and let me go to school for school pictures like this. For anyone who knows me… it’s so me. lol. If you cut your own bangs as a child and sported the weird ass bang look raise your hand!!!

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