The Gift of Being Twenty Something…

The Gift of Being Twenty Something…

Your twenties are about tempering your gifts and your spirit. You are a wild horse that is learning to be more precise and more efficient. You are a chaotic mess that is learning to find it’s center in the midst of it all. You are learning what you are made of and learning to amplify your own presence to impact your life and the world. This is not an easy or comfortable process. Never let anyone say otherwise. You don’t want easy. You want growth. You want surprise. You want to fully experience what life has to offer. No. This is not easy. It’s challenging. It’s hard sometimes. You’re climbing a mountain and this requires endurance. You need spiritual and emotional endurance. You’ll need will along with strength. There will be emotional outbursts. There will be tantrums. There will be crazy. There will be mistakes and messes. There will be unexplainable and uncontrollable rage. There will be lots of tears. There will be grief and letting go. There will be bubbles that burst. Reality checks will hit you like a ton a bricks. There will be dark places and scary things. But your job is to remember the light. Remember that in the blackness of the night sky there are always stars. You are made of them. And you have a choice to remember the light, to focus on the light. You have a choice. And you must make it every second of every day.  This is what responsibility is. The choice to see the light. The choice to choose happiness even in the darkest of places. This is...
It’s OK to not know what you want

It’s OK to not know what you want

This is the single biggest question that has pulled me off my center that I’ve ever come across. What do you WANT? What do you DESIRE. Answering this question is like a house of cards. On the one hand we are told that we have to know what we want exactly in order for it to come into manifest reality. On the other, what happens if what you ask for isn’t really what you want and when you get there you’re not any happier? So we get stuck in this place asking for things constantly, exhausting ourselves trying to be the creator of our realities and not actually enjoying the simple moments of our everyday lives. Up until about a year ago, I was on this goose chase always asking for more, always clarifying my desires, and always ending up being a failure if I didn’t have it happen, or feeling strangely unfulfilled if it did happen because once it did it was on to the next thing already. I didn’t really know what I wanted, but I felt afraid to not know because well, then what would happen to my life? How could I be sure that I would have the life I wanted? Every other powerful woman I know knows what they clearly. If I can’t know this, why would anyone even want to be around me? How will I make money and feel safe? How will I be of value to anyone? The truth was I couldn’t know what would happen in my life. I had no way of knowing what would show up if I...
Presence is a Movement: A Peak into the Stillness of the Heart

Presence is a Movement: A Peak into the Stillness of the Heart

For a moment, just a moment all the parts of you, all the selves collapse into one being. And you relax. Your heart is what it is, expanded or contracted. And it’s in those moments when I feel terrified or exhilarated, because it’s in those moments when I am really living my life. Immersed. It’s this practice. The surrender to this collapsing, this merging of selves (like merging all the layers in a photoshop document), that we learn to come back to over and over that brings us home. Bring us into our singular presence. Thoughts might not go away, but they melt through me like a ticker tape. My attention moves from my head to my heart to my womb to my whole center spiraling. Presence is a movement. A cyclical spiraling motion always beating and moving. Turning over and over like a turbine, constant flow. Receiving and giving, receiving and giving. And it’s the ability to be still with ALL of that aliveness inside of me, to hold all of that, but still let it move, still surrender, that helps me feel myself. Reference myself. Commune with the life around me. Feel into what is being asked of me. Command my intention. Being still with all of that is the most difficult thing of...
The *Struggle* of Writing with Authenticity

The *Struggle* of Writing with Authenticity

Yes, it’s the truth that I am who I am today because of the path of my life and what I went through, but I think the value of human experience and the gift of being able to articulate my experience and the lessons I learned are to share them with humanity so that other people don’t have to go through the same thing. This is how we evolve human consciousness. This is how we help each other; when we have the courage to share our experiences and our feelings as honestly as possible. When we share from a place where we just can’t help from writing the words, making the video, or saying the thing we want to say. When we share because our heart still feels for that younger version of ourselves that is in the exact same place as we were. Because we see ourselves in another. And that kind of sharing is brave. Sometimes what you say will be messy. Sometimes it will cause others to get angry. Sometimes it melts hearts. Almost all change occurs through re-organization and a period of chaos and disharmony. I had to get comfortable in my own journey with being not only someone who would inspire good feelings, hope, love, and empowerment for people, but also that what I have to say is gonna cause some discomfort and make people upset, not like me as much. It sounds simple really, but for someone like me who spent my whole life people pleasing, it was very very hard to get used to. I constantly *struggle* with my writing and my...
On Knowing: You don’t always have to know to keep moving

On Knowing: You don’t always have to know to keep moving

  On Knowing: Our own knowing is still transient and fluid. We might *know* something for a moment, and then receive it and then space opens for a new knowing. A deeper more richer knowing, something similar or completely different to what we * knew* before. I’m finding that once I own my knowing, I speak it, it flows through me and if I try to cling to that new knowing, I start to contract. Sometimes I’m afraid of my knowing because I’m not sure I’m ready for what receiving and speaking that knowing will shift in my world. Knowing. Truth. Desire. It’s all a thread we follow and it’s all fluid and changing. What is real will always remain. The heart is a compassionate trickster sometimes. It will use what you think you want to lead you to what you actually want. That is why you don’t have to focus so much or worry about not being clear about what you want. Your being, your soul knows what you want better than your human brain. Clinging to the next piece of knowing or clarity or desire and the temporary high of excitement, the temporary relief of discomfort, is just like dangling a carrot in front of a horse. The carrot dangler is leading the horse somewhere but the horse is transfixed on the excitement of getting the carrot. Trust that you are always being led. Trust that your soul knows more than you even want to know right now. Let go of being the creator of the whole universe or your whole life, that is truly exhausting. If...
Being Present Sucks. It’s beautiful and real, but it sucks.

Being Present Sucks. It’s beautiful and real, but it sucks.

I used to search, seek, search, seek. I was on this path to discover something to find something. What I didn’t see, is that what I was doing was trying to escape reality so that I could find the fantasy world that was in my head, in my mind, in my dreams somewhere. Climbing, striving, grinding, pushing towards the perfection that I thought would save me from the devastation of not being the woman that I saw myself as. Many teachers have looked at me and said something like “Dear one, you seek and you know not what you are looking for”. This was comforting and not comforting all at once. What was it that I was seeking and what would I find in my blind search of it? Every time I have “Found” what I was seeking, it has been completely the opposite of whatever I thought it would be or feel like. Often times when I would arrive at the place I was seeking, I would feel like “this is it? This? This can’t be it. It feels like shit”. Because what I was seeking was a projection in my head of a perfect fantasy land, a perpetual way to exit this reality in a way. At some point my life blew up enough and I was in enough pain to realize that being present would be better than whatever hell I was in at the moment, but even then, my idea of presence, was a little glamorized. Being present sucks. And it’s beautiful, gorgeous, real, and true. But it sucks. It’s not a fantasy land, it’s...