Illuminating my Inner Bitch

“Embodying my “ok-ness” with people feeling uncomfortable around me is a new and great thing in my life.”

We are a world in hiding. There are aspects of ourselves that we choose to own and acknowledge, and there are aspects that we ignore and deny.

These are the parts of ourselves we’ve stuffed away and locked in the basement; the parts of ourselves we are ashamed of and keep hidden from the world and from ourselves. These are our shadows.

This month I had a big realization around how much of me I was still hiding from myself. I’ve been participating in Rachael Jayne Groovers Feminine Spirituality and Leadership Program since august and this month our theme is all about delving into the dark and uncovering our shadows.

After a series of events in my life that helped me realize how much I was still in hiding, the unveiling of our December worksheets on shadows, and with December being the entrance of the winter season as well as the most yin, internal and dark time of the year I decided to seriously take action on delving into unveiling myself, the dark and the light, to myself.

Debbie Ford, the author of Dark Side of the Light Chasers says “By choosing not to allow parts of ourselves to exist, we are forced to expend huge amounts of psychic energy to keep them beneath the surface.”

And so I began my journey; I started to make a list. I listed all the qualities about myself that I was less than thrilled to claim as well as qualities I saw in other women that seemed to really trigger me in some way. I listed qualities I saw in other women that I especially prided myself for not being and have heard myself say “ I will never be like that.”

My list includes characteristics like stupid, shallow, self absorbed, consumerist, unconscious, judgmental, cynical, impatient, guarded, overly masculine, disgusting, irrational, liar, ( to name a few)  but my core shadows, the ones that really charged me up were

• Aggressive
• Manipulative
• Controlling

When I took a good look at all three of those qualities together, I saw the letters B-I-T-C-H come up in my mind.

I started to question how much energy I was spending trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t these things. I could put the pieces together of my entire life and I really recognized that I spent a lot of energy making sure that no one ever thought I was a bitch. I had become a victim of “toxic niceness” as Elizabeth Hilts puts it.

So if I was going to let my inner bitch out I realized quickly that I would have to become ok with the things that I have spent my whole life avoiding:

1) Confrontation
2) People being unhappy, uncomfortable, angry, and/or in dislike of me.
3) Speaking up even if I might not be right, good, or rational or logical.
4) Being the inflexible girl who is not always so easy to get along with

Being irrational and inflexible are big hitters for me. I pride myself on being flexible and easy to work with.

Let’s face it.Being a bitch left no room for logic,reason or flexibility. Being a bitch is about standing up for yourself and getting what you desire and require, plain and simple.

The Collective Shadow

The inner bitch holds a special place in the collective consciousness of women. I believe we all have our own piece of the chord tied to this shadow and it manifests in our worlds differently based on our own individual beliefs.

We all know that old double standard around assertive women and to put as  female rapper Nicki Minaj put it a few weeks ago after she received some media heat from walking out of a photoshoot she felt was below her standards: “When I am assertive, I’m a bitch. When a man is assertive, he’s a boss.” Which one is negative and which one isn’t?

In our culture it’s easy for young girls to receive the message that the qualities that lead to being called bitch attitude are not ok to be. I hear all the time “women are catty” or “girls are so mean.” I know I learned very early on that being Bossy or Bitchy was something that would push others away from me.

Have you ever been called a Bitch to your face when someone really meant it?

I certainly have and it stings.When this would happen to me during arguments with boyfriends or other girls, I was quick to go into defense mode to explain exactly why I wasn’t being a bitch; because there was no way I would ever allow myself to be THAT.

On the other hand, there are plenty of women who are perfectly ok being a bitch. In fact, they know they are bitches and they fully own it. I know these women as the people I meet and immediately think to myself “I love her feisty attitude, and boy I hope I never get on her bad side.” On the other hand though, many women use their inner bitch to guard themselves, which is just as unhealthy as not allowing your inner bitch out at all.

My Bitch Manifesto

Afew weekends ago I got my chance to let my inner BITCH come out to play. To put a long story short, I was at work, and someone was trying to walk all over me. Normally I would’ve just let it go and internalized my anger, but instead I let my voice go and I stood up for myself.

Being a bitch means to stand my ground. It means that other people might not like me. It means that other people might become angry with me. Being a bitch means that I get to stand up for myself. I get to use my voice and allow what is in my throat to just flow freely without censoring myself.

Being a Bitch means that I’ll never allow someone to take advantage of me or pressure me into something I don’t desire to do. Being a bitch means I know my own worth and I will never settle for less than that.

Being a Bitch means I give myself a voice. It means giving myself to permission to speak up, even when I may not be rational, logical, right, or good. None of those things are the as important as simply speaking up.

Being a Bitch means speaking my truth and knowing that the truth isn’t always rainbows and unicorns, politically or spiritually correct, or nice. The truth is simply the truth; it is what it is.

Being a Bitch means putting myself first! And that’s good cause “when mama’s happy, everyone’s happy”.

The Whole She-Bang

Being able to call up my destructive and aggressive forces when I need them is an important thing. Here is what I learned from my experiences this month:

1) I don’t have to please everyone: Not everyone is going to like me when I stand up for myself and what I desire, and that’s ok. This is something I already know intellectually, but I haven’t actually let myself experience this viscerally. Embodying my “ok-ness” with people feeling uncomfortable around me is a new and great thing in my life.

2) My power grew and strengthened: When I allowed my inner bitch to come out to help me stand up for what I wanted, I felt more empowered. The more I let it flow the more powerful I felt. It was like that feeling of “ok… I did it. I did it, and I survived. I can do it again now.”

3) Stay Connected to my Wisdom: In the Hindu culture, Goddess Kali, the dark mother, represents destruction. She is married to truth and she will fight fiercely to manifest it. She is both Mother and grave.In her destruction she brings creation; for these two energies cannot exist without each other. She is the universal BITCH and she’s not afraid to say so.

Kali is typically seen with her masculine counterpart, God Shiva, the preserver of the universe. Shiva, to me, represents my wisdom. Kali gives us the energy to be aggressive and powerful when we require it to bring forth our truth and Shiva gives us the wisdom to know when to back off.

Chameli Ardagh said “Kali without Shiva is destruction, Kali with Shiva is medicine. And I believe this is the medicine we need today.” I agree.

Bring out your BITCH ladies! It’s one medicine we all need a bit more of.

Sound off!!

What’s your Bitch manifesto? What does being a bitch mean to you? How has it helped you in the past to be a little… or a lot… bitchy?

I love your comments! Bring it!

Tagged as: bitch, black river, dark goddess, debbie ford, elizabeth hilts, feminine, jung, kali, manifesto, nicki minag, rachael jayne groover, shadow work